So. Christmas. And New Year. Yeah.

It went ok.
The beginning of the month was hard. The beginning of the month is always hard. Because that’s when It Happened, you know. It’s the every-month-sadiversary. I do not like it.
And it seems like I spent the rest of the month furiously knitting Christmas presents–I knit three, first for my older nephew (who specified what colors he wanted in his yarn); then for my younger nephew (rainbow yarn); then for my brother (dark brown yarn and light brown yarn). I was going to make jewelry, but when the time came, I found myself staring at my jewelry-making stash, saying, “…I used to know how to do this, I need to get my memory jogged, but there’s no time!” Nothing like that mental-blank-just-when-you-need-to-get-something-done-right-now feeling. Baking also happened. Cookies. There were several days of cookie-baking.
The beauty of the knitting and the cookie-baking was that I was so preoccupied with getting ready for Christmas that it occupied a great deal of my mental space. Christmas itself was celebrated by my family on Christmas Eve, at my aunt’s house, and the day after Christmas, at my family’s house. We had my brother and his family over (my awesome sister-in-law, and both my nephews); plus my aunt and uncle, their three adult children, and two cousins-in-law. It was fairly awesome. I would have found it hard to deal with last year.
The post-Christmas let-down, though. Wow. It’s been like a hangover. Blargh.
And then there was the scary letter from my student loan company, leading to two days of panic attack hell. I called them. I got a forbearance. I’m getting a loan mod. Things will be ok. For the next month at least.
I’m also freaking out about not having a job. And how am I going to pay for my meds (I’m hypothyroid and etc.). 
I’m tired of feeling like Wile E. Coyote. Enough with the anvils!

2010, I never liked you. Good riddance. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

New Year’s. I’m going to a party. I’m a bit nervous. Last year’s party had a movie, with lovey-dovey couples. Very triggery. I’m a bit scairt. But I’m bringing board games. Board games aplenty! Pity everybody else is a teetotaler, I think New Year’s Eve would be easier to stand sloshed…It was always Our Special Day. Now it’s just a day. To get over with. Well, let’s get on with it then. Tally ho. Board games ahoy.

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About Hira Animfefte

I am an unwedded widow whose beloved died in November 2009. This is my story.
This entry was posted in grieving, reflection, seasons, unwedded widow, unwedded widowhood, widow, widowhood. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to So. Christmas. And New Year. Yeah.

  1. I hope 2011 will bring you easier times and a job. My daughter, too. She is looking for a job. She lost both her significant other of ten years and her cat in 2010. It was not a great year, so 2011 must be better. There's always hope when a new door opens, a new year starts.

  2. Tim says:

    God bless you! I pray that you would have a good 2011. As cliche as it sounds: let the Lord carry you, and may you find healing in Him.

  3. @Elizabeth–I certainly hope so. 2011 already started better–I didn't break down crying at the ball drop this year. So, progress. Good luck to your daughter! And thank you!@Tim–Thank you! God bless you too. I do not find the sentiment cliche at all.To you both: (((((HUGS))))))

  4. DarcKnyt says:

    I can relate to this, for different reasons. For one thing, I've felt for the last… what? 15 years or more? …like I've missed the holidays. Slept through them. And the last 8 years have been especially hard. In that amount of time I've been unemployed for two really, really, REALLY long stretches. Once, it didn't work out so well, and once it did.2011 is going to be a better year for me, no matter what happens I think. I think. But your blog is a great reminder that things don't always go like we think they will, and life is what happens while we're making other plans.God bless you indeed. I'll be praying for you.

  5. Thanks for your prayers, DarcKnyt. I really appreciate it. God bless you too. (((HUGS)))

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