I look at the roses he gave me last year. I had just finished drying them. I only saved the rosebuds. I would have saved the roses entire if I’d known they were to be The Last Roses. They weren’t supposed to be. We were About To Be Engaged. Everything I hated about my life–living with my parents, my shitty job, allergies from hell–was endurable, because I knew that soon they would end and we would be married. I sound like a silly seventh grader. 2getha 4evah! No, not quite. I feared the other shoe dropping, but the other shoe that I feared was a breakup.
Sudden death? I’m afraid my cognitive therapy had worked too well. I told myself his symptoms could have been caused by any number of non-life-threatening conditions. Good God! If I knew then what I know now, I would have hit that panic button so hard…Would it have made any difference? Who knows? What I know about men is, you can’t make them do what they don’t want to do. And he did not like being nagged. I did not want to take on the role of His Other Mother. Oh no.
…And this is where I remind myself, once again, that it was Not My Fault. It was just Something That Happened, that was Tragic. It was not caught within the window that it could be prevented. There’s nothing that can be done about it now but let it go….