I found The Real Thing.

True love. The whole nine yards. It’s true. It’s possible. It happened to me.

And then, in a half-hour to forty-five minutes, I had lost him. He died. I found out a half hour later. I nearly fainted. It was November 7th, 2009, a half hour after midnight, and my life had forever changed.

In this blog, I will recount my story.

We had planned to wed. Circumstances intervened. I was expecting a proposal around December 2009/January 2010. I was expecting to spend Thanksgiving with him. But he was gone.

Are you an unwedded widow/er? Did you lose the love of your life, who wasn’t your spouse?  I’d love it if you’d connect with me. Are you the regular kind of widow/er? Please connect with me too! We who are in that club that nobody wants to join, and that has the WORST hazing procedure imaginable…we need to unite and support one another. Lest we go mad.

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About Hira Animfefte

I am an unwedded widow whose beloved died in November 2009. This is my story.
This entry was posted in grief, labels, reflection, titles, unwedded widow, unwedded widowhood, widow, widowhood. Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to I found The Real Thing.

  1. megan says:

    Hazing. I love that. I about half an hour, it will be exactly 47 weeks ago that Matt drowned. Man, does that suck to type, even though I am well aware of all of it. Every sunday, I go through the whole count-down: now is when I am in the woods, screaming and lost. Now is when the wardens come. Oh dear. Hazing.

  2. Sara says:

    Hello!I'm just starting to blog too, and wrote a post about widowhood too. I compared it to a club too! Check it out. I would love for us to support each other.

  3. Hira, I love that you have created this awareness that those who have lost a dear non-spouse are just as affected by their death. Unwedded Widow is a great phrase. I am glad to know you are posting about your beloved Nelson.I am a remarried widow with a new husband who honors my memory of my late husband. I am glad to have found your blog.

  4. Anika says:

    I'm also an unwedded widow. We were also planning to get married, have more kids, grow old together. I was expecting a proposal mid October 2009 but Alex passed away September 2009. I often feel like people assume my loss isn't that great because we weren't married yet.

  5. I'm so very sorry that you've joined this club. It sucks.But …. you will meet some amazing people. It's a very hard road but it's possible to live through it. It's been 2 1/2 years for me …. and life doesn't suck quite as much as it did in the beginning.

  6. Ntellya says:

    For the past year and ten months I have awoken every morning (the times that I've actually slept) and silently said "what fresh version of hell awaits me today?". I realize that's an incredibly negative way to look at the world, but it's so rare/hard to find & nurture true love, and to have it ripped away…well, it's hell. A lot of widows refer to it as a club. I refer to it as hell. Hira, thank you for sharing your experiences.

  7. yellowcat says:

    I'm not an unwedded widow or even a widow at all, but I do like reading your stuff. Hope you don't mind that I'm joining your club.

  8. I am not an unwedded widow, but I have met many in my work as a hospice nurse. The unwedded widow has more grief…they not only lost the person, they lost the promise of a life together. They lost a future. The wedded widow has many memories to think about and cling to, the unwedded do not have so many. Their dreams are of a life unfulfilled, they feel cheated. It is quite sad. It is sad but true that many do not embrace the unwedded and do not understand their grief. Society is funny that way. We only allow certain emotions for certain roles. It is so wrong. No wonder so many suffer in silence. I like your blog. Keep writing.

  9. ((((HUGS)))) to all my readerswidowed and non-widowedThanks for reading.

  10. @Ntellya–I agree with you, it is hellish…the only thing that differentiates it from hell is that it will end. So, definitely purgatorial at the least.I sleep thanks to a combination of pharmaceuticals that my very wise doctor has prescribed. The latest, an anti-migraine drug called Topamax, knocks me right out. It is also keeping the migraines away. I think migraines surely occupy their own circle of hell.Much love to you. Keep in touch, sweetie.

  11. @Janice–Your words (as your words on your blog) are very insightful. You are very right. Thanks for reading. (((HUGS)))

  12. @Anika–Thanks for writing–and for reading! Yes, let's support each other!

  13. @Megan–There's no link to what you wrote, but what you wrote is very powerful. Please keep in touch. I have an email address link on my blog…feel free to write me…47 weeks is early indeed…You are not alone in your grief! I am so sorry you are hurting so bad. I am so sorry.

  14. @Sara–I'm following your blog too. Thanks for reading! It sounds like you've had lots of adventures–Malawi sounds exciting. @Michelle–I started following your blog as well. I'm so happy you've found new happiness. Thanks for reading.

  15. Autumn says:

    I have been an engaged widow for almost 3 months now. John had a rare virus called myocarditis that made his heart stop while he was taking a nap.We had been dating for 5 years. Engaged 17 days.I started blogging not too long after I lost him. I had to. I know how much our "club" sucks. Luckily I have found others around me that are taking the journey with me. Although we would never wish to…. it's comforting that we are not alone.I would love for you to read my blog. I keep it private so I would need your email. Eventually I will open it public.my email is phionic@hotmail.com if you want to chat.

  16. Mel says:

    It's wonderful to connect with you. You are certainly part of the – reluctant – widow club. :)Mel

  17. Karen S says:

    It was 7 November 2008 when I lost my husband. We had been engaged for a while, always meaning to set a date for our wedding but we thought we had all the time in the world. We got married in hospital before he had a op to remove a brain tumour and died 10 months later. My world stopped.I've cursed every god in this universe and beyond, how bloody dare they take him from me. Its shit, this is a club we never thought we would be a part of…and it sucks!I paint on a smile when facing the world and keep my husband's legacy alive, his words, his vision and our plans that we made together will happen.

  18. @Karen S.–(((((HUGS))))) I'm so sorry.May your husband's memory be eternal. Much love to you.(((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))

  19. Carla says:

    Unwedded Widow… I love that. That is exactly what I (we) am (are). I lost Scott in September 2008. He had leukaemia. We were due to be engaged. Now, I'm at the age where we were meant to be married and having kids. Ugh, this sucks… the life of an Unwedded Widdow… it's true, because we weren't married, for some reason people assume it 'isn't as bad'. Idiots.

  20. @Carla–Thank you for taking the time to visit and leave a message. This really does suck. You are right, people do assume that it's 'not as bad' since we weren't married. Indeed, it's idiotic! It just adds insult to injury.May your dear Scott's memory be eternal, and may God carry you

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